Being a Pre-Service Teacher with Depression

I didn't always have depression. I used to have never-ending motivation and a positive outlook on life. When I started my the education program at my university, I was so excited to finally be able to start classes learning about the job I love most. Something most people don't realize is that education is not an easy major. No, we don't sit and color all day; we have case studies and major projects, both of which take a lot of time and effort to complete. My first semester in the program, while enlightening and exciting, took a toll on my mental health. I pushed myself harder than I ever had before, studying and working while simultaneously ignoring the growing emptiness in my head. I may have had a perfect GPA, but my mind was far from perfect.

I was diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety January 2, 2017. I was afraid for the future. Afraid I wasn't going to be the very best educator I could be, when some days I wake up and it's a fight to even get myself out of bed. Teachers aren't supposed to have depression, right?

But then I get a random hug from the student who refuses to be touched by anyone else, "Ms. Katie, I really needed a hug today, thank you." Or a student gives me a hand-drawn picture, that he obviously spent a long time on, because he knew I went as one of the characters for Halloween. Or even a small compliment on a card that reads, "I love science because of you."

Something I've had to learn is to keep fighting. If not for me, then for the kids that I love so much. Some of these kids don't have stable homes, and you're the only stable figure in their life. No depression, I'm not going to stay in bed today. No depression, my kids need me to be fully present at all times. I won't give up on bettering myself, because my kids deserve more.

This is why I work with kids. They are my motivation -- my reason for getting out of bed every morning. My goal is to get my depression and anxiety under control, so when I get a student with the same problems, I can genuinely help them overcome. When I say they saved my life, I'm not over exaggerating. They may need me to teach then how to read or add numbers, but I need them to keep me grounded.