Why We Need to Save the Bully (from a teacher perspective)
Bullying has become an epidemic in America. 1 in 7 students in grades K – 12 are either a bully or have been a victim of bullying, and an estimated 160,000 U.S. children miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students (Source). The effects stem farther than on the victim – the school morale lowers and bystanding students perceive school to be an unsafe place. But many of us have a very black and white outlook when it comes to the victim and the bully. The victim is good and the bully is evil. But lately I'm starting to realize that it's more complicated than that.
There are multiple reasons a child would feel inclined to bullying, such as social status or low self-esteem. But a more prominent, and concerning, reason is the bully was bullied themselves.
"Almost all of the bullies, 97 percent, said they were also victims of bullying. 'Children learn from seeing what their primary caregivers do. They are very attuned and very observant about what goes on in a household...Parents are very powerful role models and children will mimic the behavior of parents, wanting to be like them. They may believe violence is OK and they can use it with peers. After all, they may think, ‘If Daddy can do this, perhaps I can hit this kid to get my way.’ When parents engage in violence, children may assume violence is the right way to do things.'" Source
So what do we do?
The old-fashioned way of dealing with bullying is to suspend or expel the offending student, based on the severity. The problem with this tactic is that it's pushing off the problem (to inevitably happen again), instead of truly teaching the child why their actions were wrong. Instead, we have to take a more empathetic approach. We have to realize that they aren't a bad child, but displaying bad behavior. Behavior is learned, and is something that can be worked on and changed. This mindset is not only good for the child, but for you as well. Having the mindset that a child can change (and isn't inherently evil) helps with the next step: creating a bond. Many children who bully don't have strong positive adult relationships in their lives, and creating one with a broken child will improve their overall attitude towards their peers tremendously. As stated in the quote above, children mimic adults in their lives, and if you set a good example, chances are they will follow suit.
The last step is to host team-building exercises and teach kindness to your children. According to Eric Jensen (my favorite education author) in his book Teaching with Poverty in Mind, "...every emotional response other than the six hardwired emotions of joy, anger, surprise, disgust, sadness, and fear must be taught. Cooperation, patience, embarrassment, empathy, gratitude, and forgiveness are essential to a smoothly running complex social environment." If the primary caregiver has not taught these to the child, then it is the teacher's job to do so. Even taking five to ten minutes out of the day to give each other compliments helps to foster an environment of kindness.
Okay, but why should we worry about the bully?
Adolf Hitler. Joseph Stalin. Saddam Hussein. These are just a few examples of bullies who grew to leave black marks in history that will never be forgotten. They also all grew up in households with strict parents, where little love and compassion was given.
75% of shooting incidents at schools have been linked to bullying and harassment (Source). These incidents have become the front page of more and more newspapers over the past few years. Even debates of arming teachers to protect against these attacks. When the answer to the problem is right in front of our eyes.
These are extreme examples, but left unchecked, these children turn into sad adults to continue the cycle of abuse. Every child deserves empathy, kindness, and love. Even the bullies.